The Bad Mothers’ Book Club Read online

  ‘OK,’ the woman said. ‘Right. Well, we’d better go and …’ She gestured towards the school and then she and her child turned towards the gate, the baby letting out a screech and slapping its mum on the side of the neck.

  ‘Right,’ Emma said again. She was really glad she didn’t have to deal with babies any more, on top of everything else. ‘Thanks. Bye.’

  ‘So much for making mum friends,’ she muttered to herself. Unless the woman was incredibly shy and that was her way of starting a conversation. Maybe she’d add a little bit more the following day and they might have worked up to full sentences by the end of the week. For a second, Emma wondered if maybe she should move the car. But there wasn’t a sign, so she couldn’t see any reason not to park there. Maybe the nervous woman had wanted the space for herself? Weird, anyway.

  ‘Can I go on my own?’ Ruby asked, looking past Emma towards the school.

  ‘On your first day? No way! I need to come and kiss and cuddle you until you’re weeping with embarrassment.’ Emma grinned.

  Ruby smiled back and then said. ‘Not really, right?’

  ‘Right.’

  Emma opened Sam’s door to find him staring straight ahead, his bottom lip quivering, but with a determined set to his jaw.

  ‘I know it’s scary,’ Emma said.

  ‘I’m not going,’ Sam said.

  ‘Ruby,’ Emma said over her shoulder. ‘Could you get Buddy out please? He’s got his lead on already. Just keep hold so he doesn’t run off.’

  ‘You have to go, sweetheart,’ Emma told Sam. ‘You’ll have Ruby there, so it won’t be too scary.’

  ‘She said she won’t talk to me,’ Sam said.

  Emma rolled her eyes. ‘She will. Of course she will. Won’t you Ruby?’

  ‘He’s embarrassing,’ Ruby said.

  Emma glanced over her shoulder and gave her daughter a hard stare.

  ‘Come on,’ she told Sam. ‘I’m coming in with you this morning. We’ll find out who your teacher is and what your classroom’s like and where you hang your coat.’

  ‘I want to go home,’ Sam said, tears pooling in his eyes. ‘I want to stay with you.’

  Emma actually kind of wanted that too. She had no idea what she was going to do at home, alone, now that both kids were at school, but still. She reached across and unbuckled Sam’s seatbelt, but he grabbed it with both hands, his knuckles whitening.

  ‘Come on!’ Ruby said. ‘Everyone’s going in.’

  Emma straightened up and looked over at the school. The playground was still full of parents and children, milling about.

  ‘We’re fine,’ she told Ruby. ‘Sam. Come on. You have to get out of the car.’

  Sam shook his head, his lips compressed into a straight line. Emma turned around and leaned back against the car, looking over at Ruby.

  ‘Can I just go?’ Ruby asked.

  Emma looked at the school again, and then down the hill where a few more mums – she couldn’t see any dads – and children were approaching. If she knew any of them she could ask them to take Ruby in, but she didn’t know anyone; all the mums she knew were back in London. She couldn’t ask a stranger to take her daughter to her first day at a new school.

  She leaned back into the car and whispered to Sam, ‘If you get out now, I’ll get you a Lego set, whichever one you want.’

  ‘Mighty Dinosaurs?’ Sam asked.

  ‘Yeah,’ Emma said. ‘Whatever.’

  Sam let go of his seatbelt and clambered out of the car.

  ‘You have to get me something too,’ Ruby said, as they approached the gate. ‘Or it’s not fair.’

  ‘I know,’ Emma said.

  Sam’s grip tightened on Emma’s hand when the whistle blew to let the children know it was time to go in. Emma had seen this when she’d come to check out the school earlier in the year, but she marvelled again at how the children stood dead still on the first whistle and sorted themselves into lines on the second.

  ‘Are you OK to go and line up, Rubes?’ Emma asked.

  Ruby nodded, already heading towards the playground. She stopped and turned back, giving Emma a shy smile, before joining the back of the Year Three line.

  ‘I don’t want to,’ Sam said, his voice tiny.

  ‘I can come with you,’ Emma said. She knew she probably shouldn’t take Buddy onto the playground, but it was the first day of the new year, presumably no one would be that bothered. She lined up with Sam and all the other new Reception class kids. At least Sam’s class were all new together; Ruby was joining a class where friendships were already established. But Emma knew her daughter was resilient, and determined enough to have a new best friend by the end of the day.

  None of the other parents had lined up with their children, even in Reception. Emma towered over everyone else in the line. She felt like Buddy the Elf. Sam’s teacher, Miss McCarry, who Emma had also met earlier in the year, stood at the head of the line. She was tiny too. She didn’t look much older than the Year Six class.

  Miss McCarry turned towards the school, and the class – and Emma – followed her inside. It was only when they got to the door that the teacher stopped and said, ‘I’m sorry, you can’t bring the dog in.’

  Emma nodded. ‘Sorry. I shouldn’t have brought him. I didn’t realise.’

  She leaned down and kissed Sam on his forehead. ‘Have a good day, OK? I’ll see you later.’

  ‘I don’t want to!’ Sam said, his face crumbling again.

  ‘I know, baby. But it’ll be fun! And it’ll go really fast and then I’ll be picking you up and I’ll have your Lego dinosaur thing.’

  Sam nodded sadly and followed Miss McCarry into the classroom, turning once to look back at Emma, his face a picture of heartbreak.

  ‘God,’ Emma said, her stomach clenching with anxiety. She hoped he’d be OK. He seemed really little to be starting school already. Buddy tugged at his lead and reminded Emma that he needed a walk. The playground was already almost empty, a few mums had gathered near the gate, but everyone else had left.

  She started walking back to the car, wondering if it would be easier to leave it parked outside the school while she walked Buddy, or to drive down to the beach and find somewhere to park on the prom, or take it home and—

  ‘Excuse me!’ a woman called from the gate. ‘I don’t know if anyone’s told you that dogs aren’t allowed in the playground.’

  Bloody hell, Emma thought, first the parking space and now this. And was the woman wearing leather leggings? For the school run?

  ‘Oh, sorry,’ Emma said, glancing down at Buddy, ‘I thought it was OK if they were on a lead?’

  The woman shook her head, her glossy blonde hair swinging like a curtain. ‘Actually, no. No dogs at all. Sorry.’

  She didn’t look sorry. She wasn’t even smiling.

  ‘Right,’ Emma said. ‘Thanks for telling me. I won’t bring him again.’

  ‘Also, I think Flic told you about the parking space?’

  Flic? Emma hadn’t even noticed that she was there but she saw the nervous woman now. She had the grace to look a little sheepish.

  At that moment, a black and white cat darted across the road and Buddy yanked on his lead, pulling Emma’s arm from her shoulder. She pulled the lead back, but Buddy ducked his head out of his collar and ran after the cat.

  ‘Shit!’ Emma said. ‘Buddy!’

  The cat had been heading across the green, but realising a dog was giving chase, it turned and streaked towards the road and under a white Range Rover parked further down the hill. Buddy kept running, smack into the side of the front door.

  ‘Oh for fuck’s sake,’ Emma mumbled, heading towards the car, shouting her dog’s name as she went. He ignored her, as he always did, and disappeared under the car.

  ‘Buddy,’ Emma said, crouching down. ‘Come out, you little shit.’

  She glanced back towards the school. The woman, Flic and another woman – almost as glamorous as Leather Trousers with high-heeled boots and a
blunt bob – were heading towards her. Great.

  ‘Buddy! I swear to god. No walks on the beach if you don’t come out. You can just run around the garden and like it. And I’ll buy the own-brand dog biscuits you hate.’

  ‘Is he under my car?’ the woman in the leather trousers said, stopping next to Emma.

  It was her car. Of course it was.

  ‘I think he hit the door,’ she said, stroking the door with one well-manicured finger.

  There wasn’t even a mark on it. He was a small dog. It was a big car. Jesus.

  ‘Yeah, sorry about that,’ Emma said, smiling up at the woman.

  ‘Buddy!’ she hissed. Buddy’s backside appeared, wiggling out from under the car. As soon as his head appeared, Emma tried to grab his collar, but he danced out of the way, barking. The baby – Flic’s baby – started to howl and Emma thought about lying down and just rolling under the car. Instead she said ‘Buddy!’ in her strictest voice. He stopped barking and looked up at her, his mouth hanging open, tongue flopped out to one side.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Emma said to Flic, who was shielding her baby’s head with both of her hands.

  Emma slid Buddy’s collar back over his head, tugging him towards her with the lead, but he didn’t budge. Instead, he cocked his leg against the car.

  ‘Oh for god’s sake,’ Emma said.

  ‘Jools, sorry, I need to go,’ Flic said. The baby was still crying, the sound making Emma feel panicky even though it wasn’t her child.

  ‘Oh yes, just a second,’ Jools said. She opened the car door and pulled out a plastic bag before handing a book to Flic and the other woman. They immediately turned them over and started reading the back cover. Buddy had finally stopped peeing and allowed Emma to tug him away from the car.

  ‘Is that Wuthering Heights?’ Emma asked, spotting the front cover. She immediately felt a pang of guilt about how little she’d managed to read lately. She used to read at least a book a week.

  ‘Yes,’ the woman in the leather trousers, who was apparently called Jools, said.

  ‘Oh, I love it,’ Emma said. ‘I’ve been wanting to re-read it actually, but I just never seem to have time.’

  ‘That’s why we started a book club,’ the other woman said, turning her copy over in her hands.

  ‘You’re in a book club?’ Emma said, looking down at Buddy, who’d flopped to the ground at her feet and was chewing on something, she couldn’t tell what. ‘I used to be in one in London.’

  A book club would actually be a great way to make friends, Emma thought. Though probably not this particular book club with these particular women.

  ‘Where did you live in London?’ the woman with the bob asked.

  ‘Ealing,’ Emma said. ‘Mostly.’

  This was progress. This was a conversation. Even though it was slightly awkward – the other women were just standing there, books in hand, but since all Emma had done so far was apologise for various misdemeanours, it seemed like a step up.

  ‘When did you move up here?’ Jools asked. She was looking down at her phone rather than at Emma, but still.

  ‘During the summer holidays,’ Emma said. ‘So we’ve been here just over a month.’

  ‘What made you move?’ the other woman asked.

  ‘My husband’s job mostly,’ Emma said. ‘He works for—’

  ‘I need to go actually,’ Jools said. ‘I’ve got an appointment. Eve, I’ll see you later.’

  ‘Sorry again,’ Emma said. ‘About Buddy.’ She looked down to see that he was no longer chewing on something, but was squatting, a shifty expression on his flat face.

  ‘Shit,’ Emma said.

  Jools walked the other way round to the driver’s side of her car. ‘And this is why dogs aren’t allowed,’ she said.

  But apparently bitches are, thought Emma.

  Chapter Three

  Jools drove home, took off her make-up, had a long, hot shower, reapplied her make-up and then walked down to the beach. The older girls were back at school and Sofia had taken Eden to a playgroup. Jools could do whatever she wanted. But there was nothing she wanted to do. She had appointments later in the week, but the day was her own.

  She stood on the beach and let the wind blow her hair around her face. She looked out at Hilbre Island, the small archipelago a couple of miles out into the Dee, and wondered how long it had been since she’d walked out there. She’d meant to take the girls over the summer – Matt really wanted to go – but they just hadn’t got around to it. She should take them. Or maybe suggest it to the school and they could make it a school trip. Jools had gone every year when she was a kid. Her dad had loved it out there, had loved guiding everyone out there even more.

  When Jools’s eyes started to tear up from the breeze, she bought herself a coffee from the cabin on the corner and set out to walk around the marina. Maybe she should start every day with a walk on the beach. It could give her time to think; clear her head. Although the marina walk was quite far and maybe she wouldn’t want to—

  Jools’s thought process was interrupted as she saw Maggie walking along the prom. She was glad she was on the narrow causeway that circled the marina; if she’d still been on the beach, she’d have had to talk to Maggie and they hadn’t talked to each other alone for months now. Jools couldn’t. And she couldn’t tell Maggie why.

  Maggie spotted her and waved from the prom. Jools waved back and wondered if there was any way to fix things. Maybe they could do something together at school. Maggie could help arrange the Hilbre trip, if the school went for it. And they probably would. Particularly if Jools suggested it.

  A young couple were walking towards her on the jetty and she spotted the exact moment they recognised her. It was odd being recognised when she wasn’t the famous one; she hadn’t done anything apart from marry a talented man and be photographed for magazines, but people knew her and were sometimes really excited to meet her. She hadn’t been out in Liverpool for ages because drunk women were forever running up to her to scream about how lucky she was and how much they’d like to shag Matt.

  This couple today just said hi and asked for a selfie. Jools was really glad she’d put her make-up back on.

  Maggie walked along the beach looking for pebbles. She liked the smooth white oval ones. They were the best for the bodies in the pebble portraits she’d started making. But she needed some round ones too, for the heads.

  If she hadn’t been late for school, she probably would have been on the beach at the same time as Jools, she realised. Would it have been awkward? Or would it have been nice to be just the two of them again?

  The first time Maggie met Jools, she’d been crying in her car. She’d taken Amy to a Baby Rhythm class at the leisure centre, but Amy had filled her nappy so explosively that it was coming out of the back of the neck of her onesie.

  Maggie had put a lot of effort into getting the two of them up and fed and dressed and out of the house for the eleven a.m. class and the fact that they’d now have to go straight back home was just too much. So she’d put on the Baby Classical CD Amy loved, rested her head on the steering wheel, and let herself cry.

  She’d been interrupted by a knock on the window. Jools. Her bottom lip an exaggerated pout, a packet of tissues in her hand.

  Maggie had wound down the window and accepted them, mopping her face and turning down the CD to talk to her.

  ‘It gets better,’ Jools had said, after introducing herself and baby Violet. ‘This part’s really hard because of the sleep deprivation and everything, but I promise you it gets better.’

  Maggie had nodded.

  ‘This,’ Jools had said, gesturing at baby Amy fast asleep in the back, the car filled with the stench of her nappy. ‘Is a fucking shitty time.’

  Maggie had let out a bark of laughter then and stopped worrying about how awful she must look to this beautiful, glamorous, together woman.

  ‘Come and get a coffee,’ Jools had said. ‘And cake.’

  ‘But the class …�
� Maggie had assumed Jools had been heading there too.

  Jools wafted her hand. ‘Violet always falls asleep and god knows it bores the arse off me. Let’s go and get a coffee. Fortify yourself to take this one home and shower the shit off her.’

  ‘I should go and wipe her—’ Maggie started.

  ‘She’s asleep,’ Jools said. ‘If she was uncomfortable, she’d wake up. Trust me.’

  Maggie had laughed again. If she’d been alone, she would never have considered taking the pungent Amy into a café. But she wasn’t alone. She was with Jools. And if Jools said it was OK, Maggie wasn’t going to argue.

  The following week they’d met up in the coffee shop instead of at Baby Rhythm, and Jools had made Maggie feel better about absolutely everything. Maggie was exhausted because Jim not only didn’t get up with the baby, he complained when Maggie did. Jools suggested he go and sleep in what would be Amy’s room, leaving Maggie to take care of Amy without guilt and allowing him to have a full night’s sleep before work. Maggie hadn’t been sure Jim would go for it, but he was delighted. If a little peeved not to have thought of it himself. Within a couple of days, he’d turned the baby’s room into a tiny bachelor pad with magazines and a radio, crisp packets and dirty underpants piling up in the corner. But Maggie didn’t care. Because she could wake up, feed Amy, and go back to sleep without having to think about him at all.

  Jools had suggestions for everything. She helped Maggie with feeding Amy, she brought some nipple shields when Maggie cried about her cracked nipples, she’d even taken Amy out for walks to let Maggie get some sleep. Maggie couldn’t have done any of it without her.

  And then a few months earlier, Jools had stopped calling and didn’t even really talk to Maggie at school. Maggie didn’t think she’d done anything to upset her – she thought Jools would have told her if she had – but she’d definitely pulled away. And Maggie had no idea why.

  Chapter Four

  Emma was early for pick up. She’d walked and made sure to set off in plenty of time; she really didn’t want a repeat of the morning’s chaos. She’d taken Buddy for such a long run that morning that he’d spent the entire afternoon asleep on the sofa in the kitchen.