My Heart Goes Bang Page 3

  ‘Apparently.’

  ‘Do you eat meat?’ Ella asked, piling bacon onto a plate next to the cooker.

  ‘I eat everything,’ Paige said. ‘Obviously.’

  ‘Hey,’ Liane said, as she and Issey joined the others in the kitchen. ‘Don’t do that.’

  ‘Do what?’ Paige asked.

  ‘Put yourself down.’

  ‘Oh fuck, Els, you are a goddess!’ Issey said, cuddling Ella from behind.

  ‘Hot!’ Ella said, gesturing at the pans in front of her.

  ‘Yeah you are,’ Issey said, kissing Ella’s cheek and joining the others at the table.

  ‘I wasn’t putting myself down,’ Paige said. ‘I was stating a fact. There’s nothing I don’t eat.’

  ‘But the “obviously”,’ Liane said, frowning.

  Paige shook her head. ‘It’s not like I don’t know I’m fat.’

  ‘You’re not –’ Liane started to say.

  ‘I am though,’ Paige said. ‘There’s no point pretending I’m not. But you’re perceiving it as negative. I’m just stating a fact.’

  ‘Coming through!’ Ella said, hip-checking Issey out of the way and putting a bowl of beans and a plate of fried eggs on the table between them all. ‘There’s bacon and sausage coming too. And toast.’

  ‘Fucking hell,’ Issey said. ‘This is mad. You’re an angel.’

  Ella smiled before turning back to the cooker. ‘I thought it would be nice for us to all have breakfast together.’

  ‘You’re such a mum,’ Lou said.

  ‘Shut it.’ Ella brought over the bacon and sausages, piled the toast on a plate, and then joined the others at the table. ‘But we do need to sort some house stuff. How we’re going to pay bills and who’s going to be responsible for different things in the house. That kind of thing.’

  ‘Not now, eh?’ Issey said, stabbing a sausage with a fork. ‘It’ll give me indigestion.’

  ‘Tonight then?’ Ella said. ‘I want to get it sorted.’

  ‘We’re all in tonight, yeah?’ Lou said, pouring herself another tea, her eyes still half closed. ‘So we can do it tonight.’

  Lou spent most of the day in bed, waiting for her head to stop hammering. She spent some time staring at her boring beige walls and boring white ceiling and trying to work out how she could transform her room for not much money. By late afternoon, she’d decided to walk down Church Street and do a bit of shopping. She knocked on Ella’s door and pushed it open without waiting for Ella to speak.

  ‘Hey,’ Ella said. She was sitting in the middle of her bed with notebooks and uni books spread out around her.

  ‘What are you doing?’ Lou asked, horrified.

  ‘What does it look like?’ Ella pushed her glasses up her nose and then took them off altogether and dropped them on top of one of the books. ‘What’s up?’

  ‘But … we haven’t even started yet. What are you studying?’ Lou perched on the end of the bed and then got up again and walked across the room to look out of Ella’s window.

  ‘I’m just going over some of last year’s stuff,’ Ella said. ‘Like a refresher.’

  ‘Jesus,’ Lou said. ‘That decides it.’ She turned and leaned back against the window. ‘You’re coming out with me.’

  ‘I can’t,’ Ella said. ‘I –’

  ‘No, you are. This is mad. I know you’re dedicated and everything, but this is too much. You need to live a little.’

  ‘Where are we going?’ Ella asked, tidying her books into a pile.

  ‘Primark.’

  When they got back – Lou with four bags, Ella with one – ‘Can’t Stop the Feeling’ was blasting from Issey’s room and Liane was lying on the sofa in the living room, watching How to Get Away With Murder.

  ‘What d’you get?’ she asked Lou and Ella, rolling onto her back to look over at them.

  ‘What season’s this?’ Ella asked, squinting at the TV.

  ‘Two,’ Liane said.

  ‘Stuff for my room, mostly,’ Lou said. ‘And a playsuit. And some boots.’

  ‘And a hat and a onesie,’ Ella added.

  ‘Cool,’ Liane said, rolling onto her side again.

  ‘Come and help me put the fairy lights up?’ Lou asked Ella, who followed her downstairs.

  They stopped outside Issey’s room, where Issey was standing on her bed and sticking a huge selection of photos to her wall with Blu-Tack.

  ‘Where’s Paige?’ Lou asked her.

  Issey stopped sticking, but stayed on her bed, bouncing gently. ‘Work. But she’s going to be back for dinner. She said she’ll pick up some food from Tesco on the way back and then we can do all the boring shit. My words, not hers. Although I think she said something similar.’

  By the time Lou’s bags were empty, her room was transformed. A red heart-shaped rug covered the cheap laminate flooring. Six small mirrors were arranged in an artfully haphazard way on the wall behind her bed (which had four new cushions piled on top of the pillows). Flamingo fairy lights dangled from the curtain rail, and disco-ball fairy lights curled around the mirror on the dressing table.

  ‘Are you still going to paint it?’ Ella asked.

  ‘Fuck, yeah,’ Lou said, lying back on her bed. ‘Pink like those flamingoes. Come and have a cuddle. Second year, baby!’

  Ella laughed and joined Lou on the bed, snuggling into her friend’s side, as Lou squeezed her and kissed her on the temple.

  ‘It’s going to be great,’ Lou said.

  ‘Yeah,’ Ella agreed, half-heartedly.

  ‘It is, you knob. You’re brilliant. But you need to relax!’

  ‘I relaxed last night,’ Ella said, tipping her head back where some hair had got caught under Lou’s shoulder.

  ‘Guess what?’ Lou said. ‘You can relax more than once a millennium.’

  ‘I’m not that bad,’ Ella said.

  ‘Let’s go and get a beer,’ Lou said.

  Ella rolled her eyes. ‘Fine.’

  Chapter 4

  Lou hammered on the bathroom door for the third time since her alarm had gone off that morning. ‘For fuck’s sake, Liane!’

  ‘Nearly done!’ Liane called from inside.

  Ella passed Lou on the stairs. She was fully dressed, her hair pulled back in a ponytail, no make-up on.

  ‘She’s been in there for, like, forty minutes!’ Lou said, turning and leaning back against the door, banging her head on it repeatedly.

  ‘Aw,’ Ella said. ‘Remember when you mocked my rota.’

  ‘Ella’s going to make a rota, Liane!’ Lou yelled. ‘Then you’ll be sorry.’

  ‘I’ll make you a tea,’ Ella shouted from the stairs.

  ‘Make me one too!’ Liane called from the bathroom. The door opened and Lou was enveloped with steam as Liane emerged in full make-up, but with wet hair.

  ‘What have you been doing?!’ Lou said. ‘You’ve been in there forever.’

  ‘Had to shave all my bits, didn’t I,’ Liane said. ‘Meant to do it last night, but couldn’t be arsed.’

  ‘Oh my god,’ Lou said. ‘I haven’t even got time to wash my hair now.’

  ‘Sorry,’ Liane said as she headed up the stairs to her bedroom.

  In the bathroom, Lou wiped the steamed-up mirror with her hand and stared at her reflection. She looked tired. And pale. And her hair was a disaster, but if she washed it she wouldn’t have time to dry it and it would dry all frizzy and look ridiculous. She’d have to wear a hat. She washed and cleaned her teeth and tweezered the one short sharp hair that always appeared when she was due on. Shit. She was due on. She unzipped her toiletries bag, but there was no sign of any tampons; she’d have to pick some up on the way to uni, giving her even less time. Damn.

  ‘First day back and I look like a proper knobhead,’ Lou said, joining Ella and Liane in the kitchen. Ella was sitting at the breakfast bar eating toast. Liane had a bowl of Coco Pops filled almost to the top.

  ‘You look gorgeous as always,’ Ella said.

  Lou w
as wearing a T-shirt and tight jeans with boots and a bright-pink beanie. ‘I’m worried I’ll sweat my head off in this though.’

  ‘Want me to braid it?’ Liane asked, leaning over her bowl and shovelling cereal into her mouth.

  ‘Can you do that?’

  ‘Course. French or Dutch?’

  ‘What’s the difference?’ Ella asked. She stood up, brushed the crumbs off her plate over the bin with her hand, and then held the plate under the running tap.

  ‘Dutch is like an inside-out one,’ Liane said. ‘So it’s sort of 3D?’

  ‘That one,’ Lou said. ‘Please.’

  Ella washed the plate and put it in the drainer before turning back to look at Liane and Lou. Liane was standing behind her, running her hands through Lou’s hair.

  ‘Your hair is so gorgeous,’ Liane said, lifting some and letting it drop. ‘It’s all silky.’

  ‘Tea?’ Issey said, walking in. ‘I’m dying.’

  ‘Sit down,’ Ella said. ‘I’ll do it.’

  ‘What’s happening?’ Issey said, leaning her chin on her hand and gesturing at Liane and Lou.

  ‘Liane’s been in the bathroom since the dawn of time,’ Lou said. ‘So now she’s sorting out my hair cos I didn’t have time to shower and dry it. Oh, and has anyone got a tampon I can borrow?’

  ‘I have,’ Ella said. ‘But, you know, I don’t need it back.’ She picked up her bag and unzipped the outside pocket, dropping two tampons down on the table in front of Lou. ‘Is that enough?’

  ‘Yeah, good. Ta. I’m not even on yet. But it’s coming.’

  ‘How do you know?’ Issey asked, stretching her arms up over her head and rolling her neck. It clicked satisfyingly. ‘Mine takes me by surprise every bloody month. Ha.’

  ‘Hag whisker,’ Lou said, tapping her lip.

  ‘I know because I want to kill everyone,’ Liane said. ‘Once I start thinking “why are people SUCH BASTARDS” I know to check the calendar.’

  ‘I’m like that but with crying,’ Ella said. ‘If I start welling up at adverts. Or, like, seeing old people in the street. I keep meaning to write it down or get an app or something.’

  Issey watched Liane braiding Lou’s hair, her small hands lifting the strands, nimble fingers crossing them over and tucking them around each other. It was soothing to watch. Liane was frowning with concentration, her tongue poking out of the corner of her mouth.

  ‘I wish my hair was long enough to braid,’ Issey said.

  ‘I could braid it,’ Liane told her, without looking up from Lou’s hair. ‘Tiny braids would look so cute. Or one of those crown braids round the front.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Issey said, fiddling with her mug. ‘That sounds good.’

  ‘Not today though,’ Liane said.

  ‘Right,’ Ella said, looking from Issey to Liane to Lou. ‘I’d better get going. Any sign of Paige?’

  ‘Nope,’ Issey said. ‘I’ll knock before I leave.’

  ‘OK,’ Ella said. ‘Yeah. See you all later.’

  Outside, the air was cold and fresh and the sky was blue and clear. Perfect weather. Ella turned right so she could walk down Bold Street. As she waited to cross the road, her phone buzzed in her pocket.

  ‘Hey!’ she said as soon as she accepted the call. ‘How are you?’

  ‘Hey,’ her brother said. ‘I wanted to catch you before uni. You start today, yeah?’

  His voice was low and rough. He sounded tired.

  ‘Yeah. I’m just walking up now. You didn’t have to ring. Where are you?’

  ‘Uh … Hang on …’ Ella heard a shuffling noise and then her brother was back. ‘Brussels.’

  ‘You didn’t know?’

  ‘We got here late last night. And I’m still in bed. I couldn’t remember …’

  ‘God,’ Ella said, smiling. ‘Your life.’

  Her brother snorted. ‘I know, right. So are you nervous?’

  ‘Little bit,’ Ella admitted. ‘I’ve moved into the specialist department, so it’s all going to be a bit new. But, you know, some of the same people, so it shouldn’t be too bad. What are you doing today?’

  ‘Don’t know,’ Dylan said. ‘The usual, I should think. Interviews. And then the show tonight.’

  ‘Have you talked to Mum?’

  ‘We texted last night. She’s worried about Arthur.’

  ‘I know,’ Ella said. ‘I need to go over and see them.’

  ‘They’ve got an appointment, she said.’

  ‘Not for a few weeks though. She said their doctor didn’t seem that concerned.’

  ‘That’s good. I mean, they probably would get an appointment sooner if they thought it was serious, right?’

  ‘I think so, yeah. Don’t you worry about it though. I’ll worry about it.’

  Dylan laughed. ‘I think I’ve probably got more free time for worrying than you have. You focus on uni.’

  ‘I guess,’ Ella said.

  For as long as Ella could remember, the two of them had shared out their worries. They were both natural worriers – they got it from their mum – but at some point, when they were both quite little, they’d decided there was no point both of them worrying about the same things and so they’d split them up. Even now Ella would sometimes wake up in the night, think of something troubling and then remember Dylan had taken that one and she’d instantly relax. It was ridiculous really, but it made her feel better. And it made her feel closer to her brother, who she didn’t see anywhere near as much as she would like.

  ‘How’s the house?’ Dylan asked.

  ‘It’s good! I think we’re all going to get on OK. The one we didn’t know – Paige – she seems nice.’

  ‘Hot?’

  Ella laughed. ‘She is, actually.’ Ella crossed the main road, turning to look at the Lucky Penis statue that Lou pointed out every single time they passed it.

  ‘So are you OK, Dyl? Really?’

  ‘I am, yeah,’ Dylan said, and Ella could hear him yawn. ‘Just tired, you know.’

  ‘I miss you.’

  ‘I miss you too.’

  ‘The boys all OK?’

  ‘Yeah, they’re good. Liam’s started seeing one of the dancers, so he’s always off shagging, but the others are good.’

  ‘And you’re using protection and saying no to drugs.’

  Her brother laughed. ‘Fuck off. You’re not my mum.’

  ‘The bus is coming,’ Ella said as she reached the stop. ‘I’ll let you go back to sleep.’

  ‘Hope it goes really well today.’

  ‘Thanks. You too. Break a leg.’

  ‘Love you.’

  ‘You too.’

  The bus pulled up and Ella stepped on, dropping her phone back into her bag.

  Issey got to the canteen before Liane. She’d had a lecture first and then a seminar and they’d both been fine. More admin and plans for the semester than anything she really needed to think about.

  She was waiting in the queue, a sandwich and a bottle of Diet Coke on her tray, when she saw Liane come in. Liane grinned and waved and headed straight over.

  ‘How was your morning?’ Liane asked, reaching past Issey to grab a sandwich. Issey felt Liane’s boobs brush her arm and she pulled it back and shoved her hand in her pocket.

  ‘Fine,’ Issey said. ‘Feels like we’ve never been away.’

  ‘Did you see James?’ Liane asked, once they were sitting down.

  They’d managed to get one of the booth tables by the window – Issey’s favourite, because they looked out over the courtyard and a row of trees. Issey felt like she was in a treehouse.

  ‘Yeah,’ Issey said. ‘He looked at me and then did this.’

  She mimed hiding behind a book. She’d gone out with James a couple of times last term, but then, when drunk, he’d told her that another guy in their seminar group, Conor, fancied her and she actually really fancied Conor, so she’d ended things with James and asked him out. Conor said no.

  ‘And Conor?’ Liane asked.

&
nbsp; ‘He wasn’t there today, thank fuck,’ Issey said. She picked up her Coke and swigged. ‘Although it was a bit annoying cos I’d totally prepared myself for seeing him.’

  ‘He probably won’t even remember,’ Liane said. It had been at the end of term party and everyone had been drunk. Issey didn’t think Conor had been that drunk though. She was pretty sure he’d remember.

  ‘Bloody James,’ she said. ‘I should’ve known better.’

  It had been absolutely mortifying, coming on to Conor, having him say no. She’d even told him that James had told her he liked her. She could still totally see the blank expression on his face, like it had never even crossed his mind.

  Mortifying. She was absolutely not going to make a dick of herself over any boys this term.

  Ella headed straight for the bookshop as soon as her last lecture was over. She already felt knackered and she still had a seminar and a meeting with her advisor. She’d almost forgotten how hard she had to concentrate in lectures to grasp everything. And how tiring that was. She’d waited at the end to clarify something with the lecturer and she thought she had it now, but she knew she’d still need to go over it a few more times until it properly sank in. Microbiology was really hard. Obviously.

  She headed towards the biology department in the back-left corner of the shop. But it wasn’t there. The back-left corner was now lit crit. She turned in a slow circle, scanning the shelving for the ‘science’ signage, but she couldn’t see it at all. She was on her second rotation when she noticed a boy staring at her. He was wearing a black T-shirt over black jeans, so it was possible he worked there, but it was also possible that was just his outfit.

  ‘You OK there?’ he called out.

  ‘Um,’ Ella said, taking a few steps towards him. He was tall. ‘I’m looking for microbiology? It used to be here, but now it’s … not.’

  Brilliant, Ella.

  ‘Oh yeah, no,’ the boy said. ‘Sciences have all moved upstairs.’ He pointed at the stairs.

  ‘Oh!’ Ella said. ‘I didn’t realise. Obviously.’ She wanted to hit herself in the face.

  The boy smiled and dipped his head and a chunk of his floppy dark hair fell down over his face. He pushed it back with his hand. He was wearing rings on almost every finger, Ella noticed. Silver rings, mostly. One of them with something blue. Like his eyes. He had blue eyes. And Ella was still standing there staring at him and not going up the stairs to microbiology. Why?